March is coming to an end

Bi-monthly updates seems to be about all I can swing these days. My heart is willing -- my energy is weak. It is the eve of Ellie's third birthday and I'm feeling all emotional and nostalgic and sad and blessed -- all rolled up and smushed together like Ellie's Play-Doh at the end of the day. I wrote the following comment on Facebook tonight: Somewhere in Kyrgyzstan, it's already 3/29 and a mama is certainly thinking about a birth three years ago. I hope, in her heart, she can somehow know how VERY MUCH I love this child, what a wonderful life she has and what a blessed gift she was to our family. I wish I could tell her. I am so thankful that I am the woman who was blessed to get to mother Ellie. I am sad that her birthmother lost that opportunity. Today as we had a picnic on the floor -- nothing fancy, some sandwiches and veggies with a juice pouch -- Ellie came over, sat in my lap and said, "This is the best picnic ever mama." My heart melted. When I made a (less than stellar) birthday cake for her this weekend, she looked at it and said, "Good job, mama!" What a blessing! Don't get me wrong; it's not all smiles and candy hearts at our house. We are normal and some days I don't think I'll make it through until bedtime with her cranky little (now) three-year-old self. But I would trade the beautiful moments for all those cranky moments AT ALL. I just wish that the beautiful moments of adoption weren't tinged with the heartbreaking parts of it. Today I heard Ellie talking to herself in the backseat as we were on the way to her three-year-old check up at the doctor. She was saying, "I am from Kyrgyzstan and my friend is from China and my other friend is from America." In her world, it's just how it is. How beautiful. Oh, that we could all see things that way. Anyway ... We had her birthday party this weekend and it was a LOT of fun. A future post will be dedicated to just that as it will take an entire post. Josh continue to play Xbox (all the time it seems) and soccer. I feel like I somehow have lost him to his room and this new solitary/I want to play with my friends life. I spoke with the doctor about it today and he said that at this age withdrawal from family is normal and that we just have to continue to promote that family time while allowing him some independence. It stinks, honestly, because I MISS HIM. I miss watching TV with him, just having him in the room. I hope this phase doesn't last long. If it does, just don't tell me and let me be ignorant -- it's bliss, I hear. Kevin's last day of work is this week. We are prayerful that something comes along quickly. God was gracious the last time this happened and provided for us just in time. I have faith that He will again. It's been a hard year, though. I wouldn't be lying if I didn't say it hasn't. A part of me spends more time than I should wondering WHY things have happened to us this year. A part of my healing, I suppose, is learning to trust the verse that tells me that His ways are not mine. I can say it all day long but actually putting it my heart and wearing it like a cloak over me is another story. That is where I'm struggling and working. I'm glad that my daddy doesn't have these earthly struggles any more and that he has been made perfect, in the image of his Savior. Some days that is enough. No pictures today because I'm saving those for the birthday party post. I do have some really cool pictures of Ellie and her friends A. and K. that I'll post soon that I took it a buttercup field. They are stunning (not because I took them, just because they are!!). I'll post those in the next post as well. For now, I'm sleepy and headed off to bed.