Thursday, October 27, 2011


Maybe if I write about it, I can begin to let it go.

And that's one of the reasons I originally started this blog -- to write about things in a journal type format so that I can work through things, share things, remember things years from now...

It's a hard topic and one I've been struggling with since January 10 of this year -- the day my dad died.

I am a Christian. I do not doubt my salvation experience and I have fully accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior who has forgiven me of my sins.

I am far from perfect and struggle every day.

But I have never had this struggle before in my walk with God.

I am angry with God.

I am angry that He took my father from me, my mom and my children. We were not ready. Now, of course, I know we would have never been ready, but we still need him. I am angry that my children will not have a grandfather now -- that they will not get the years of love, advice and fun with him that the should have had.

Rationally I know that I should not be angry with God. I have read the stages of grief for people who have lost family members. The first phase is shock. The second phase is denial. The third phase is anger. The fourth phase is mourning and the final phase is recovery.

A quote I read states, "In addition, grief is not really a cycle. A cycle implies that you return to the
beginning which was a "normal" life as it was prior to the death. Of course this
is not true. Life will never be the same again."

I see that this anger has come between my relationship with God. Again, rationally, I know I need to move past this, but somehow I don't seem to be. I keep asking myself if it's just a crutch -- if I just need to "pony up" and get over it.

It's during these times of trial that I fall back on all that I know about God and His love and His promises that I have learned through the years. But at the same time, my head has been unable to talk to my heart. Because my heart thinks that God could have saved him, could have let him stay. But it was a "no" answer to fervent prayer.

Tonight Josh, Ellie and I went to Zaxby's for dinner and we sat in a booth that we had sat in as a family of six last year at Josh's birthday, when we gave him his Xbox 360. Almost a year ago. Now, he's not here.

I feel like, at some level, I have been avoiding my feelings and just not dealing with them because it is just so stinking hard, and that maybe if I could find a way to do that, maybe, just maybe, I could find my way back. But, I don't know that.

I read that everyone's process is different and that I should be patient and tolerant with myself. I am told that my feelings of anger at God are "normal" and that the resulting guilt from those feelings is normal well. I can't find anywhere how to get past it. I can't find that answer. I hope that eventually I can -- I need to.


Melissa said...

I think that avoiding it is definitely easier than feeling. Praying that you will feel some peace.

Kim said...

Friend I think time is the only answer for you. And it's ok if you are angry. I was angry with God for a long time after my Daddy's death. It is a normal reaction. After 13 years of reflection since my Daddy's passing I have come to realize a few things. Anger was needed to deal with my grief but I wasted alot of time being angry. My relationship with my husband suffered somewhat from that also. Just keeping it real here! Time will be healing for you but time spent in the Word and in prayer are vital. Even when you don't want to do it. We may never know the reasons why our Fathers were taken so quickly and why they aren't in our lives and there for our children. It isn't fair but we aren't promised a fair life. We are promised strength & peace to endure through the Holy Spirit. God is faithful to do just that.

Francis Chan states that if we spread a long rope out and then paint a tiny speck on that rope, the speck represents our entire life while God sees the whole rope and the whole spectrum of time. There are reasons why our loved ones die but we just can't see the whole picture nor do we have the mind of God. But He may reveal answers to you as time passes. He did for me. I have learned just how valuable my relationship is with my Heavenly Father and how my dependance on him is what matters most. I'm sure my Father who is enjoying Heaven with Jesus would want that to be my priority and that gives me peace.

Hugs and love to you. Sorry this is sooo long!

Louise S. Lewis said...

where in your Bible does it say God takes? We are given wisdom and we are responsible for our body, as it is loaned from God. He does not take. He is a giving God and listens to prayers. He may not answer immediately. May not be our choice, but, God is real and a caring God. To blame him for taking someone is normal. But, for every happening there is a meaning. God has your father beside him and he bask in the light of God. To moarn is normal to be "HATE" needs a reason. WE all loose loved ones, I lost my Dad when he was only 47. He never knew the four Grandsons or the sweet Granddaughters. But, miss him still and you will in years to come. Let the hate go and live for today and those two lovely children and your wonderful husband. Life is to short to carry hate and let it fester. Love you my fellow Christian.

Maria said...

Please understand that I don't hate God. I am just angry. There is a difference and I hope I in no way conveyed that I hate God. ~Maria

Kim said...

Hmm is Louise referring to my quickly chosen choice of the word taken or did you use that term also? All I meant was that my understanding of the Bible leads me to believe that God is the Giver of life and He alone knows when our lives will end. He is the Author and Finisher of our faith. Death is just a result of living in a sinful, fallen world. So thankful for the gift of Salvation and hope of Heaven. Only through Jesus' sacrifice is that possible. Sorry if my poor choice of the word taken offended anyone. I think I just meant God knew it was my Daddy's time and God "took" him to Heaven.

I also never meant to imply hatred toward my Savior. Never have felt that. But I have felt a normal, human anger toward the loss. It passed just as the other cycles of grief did. Sweet memories and stories I tell my children about my Daddy quickly fill the void over time.