Honesty

Maybe if I write about it, I can begin to let it go.

And that's one of the reasons I originally started this blog -- to write about things in a journal type format so that I can work through things, share things, remember things years from now...

It's a hard topic and one I've been struggling with since January 10 of this year -- the day my dad died.

I am a Christian. I do not doubt my salvation experience and I have fully accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior who has forgiven me of my sins.

I am far from perfect and struggle every day.

But I have never had this struggle before in my walk with God.

I am angry with God.

I am angry that He took my father from me, my mom and my children. We were not ready. Now, of course, I know we would have never been ready, but we still need him. I am angry that my children will not have a grandfather now -- that they will not get the years of love, advice and fun with him that the should have had.

Rationally I know that I should not be angry with God. I have read the stages of grief for people who have lost family members. The first phase is shock. The second phase is denial. The third phase is anger. The fourth phase is mourning and the final phase is recovery.

A quote I read states, "In addition, grief is not really a cycle. A cycle implies that you return to the
beginning which was a "normal" life as it was prior to the death. Of course this
is not true. Life will never be the same again."

I see that this anger has come between my relationship with God. Again, rationally, I know I need to move past this, but somehow I don't seem to be. I keep asking myself if it's just a crutch -- if I just need to "pony up" and get over it.

It's during these times of trial that I fall back on all that I know about God and His love and His promises that I have learned through the years. But at the same time, my head has been unable to talk to my heart. Because my heart thinks that God could have saved him, could have let him stay. But it was a "no" answer to fervent prayer.

Tonight Josh, Ellie and I went to Zaxby's for dinner and we sat in a booth that we had sat in as a family of six last year at Josh's birthday, when we gave him his Xbox 360. Almost a year ago. Now, he's not here.

I feel like, at some level, I have been avoiding my feelings and just not dealing with them because it is just so stinking hard, and that maybe if I could find a way to do that, maybe, just maybe, I could find my way back. But, I don't know that.

I read that everyone's process is different and that I should be patient and tolerant with myself. I am told that my feelings of anger at God are "normal" and that the resulting guilt from those feelings is normal well. I can't find anywhere how to get past it. I can't find that answer. I hope that eventually I can -- I need to.