Friday, July 27, 2007

Hitting the Wall

Psalm 59:16 But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 86:7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

James 5:13 [ The Prayer of Faith ] Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.

Lyrics from Casting Crowns
Praise you In the Storm
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God
who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands for You are who You are
no matter where I am and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
This song came to me like a direct song from God today in the midst of my instense hurt and pain over our adoption failures.
It started simply enough with a photo. I took Joshua into daycamp and the director told me she had something for me. It turned out to be a photo of Joshua when he was two at an Easter Egg hunt at school. I took it to the car, looked at it and burst into tears.
It just all hit me full force about the emptiness I feel for not having Ellie here with us and not knowing when she will come. I wondered why God allows so many women to have children who don't even want them, who won't take care of them, who won't love them. I wondered why I was feeling like I was being punished through this long wait. What have I done wrong? I thought of all the families who have had babies and adopted since we began our journey in August 2004. The dream of Ellie is three years old now -- and she's still not here. Is this God's way of telling us we don't need to adopt? Is this His way of saying we don't need another child? How could He put that dream so deeply in our hearts and then make us wait so long -- to feel like when we get in lines they always stop moving.
And then I got the email from our agency, whom we were waiting to hear from. We had asked them how much of our fees would be refunded if we moved to another agency. They know the reason is that we could bring Ellie home in as little as a year if we change programs. They also know we have spent thousands of dollars with them. There were a couple of other questions for them as well and we were told we'd have answers today. And the answer was that we would get back very, very little of the fees we have paid. We have paid on our fees while we were in the domestic program and we will get most of that back but little, if none, of the fees we have paid for China (which was the large amount). How can this be? Knowing that there is no way we can afford to loose that much money, I knew, immediately, that we could not pursue the Taiwan option -- without a miracle. We are not rich people. We are normal, everyday Americans who struggle like everyone else. The irony of this is that, if I were pregnant, health insurance would pay for it. I just feel punished by the whole system because I simply want to adopt a child. I feel forced to pay out thousands of dollars, lose years of my life, constantly wonder when and if she's coming, read and study about attachment issues and worry if she's in a crib hungry or wet, wonder if her birthmother is taking care of herself, eating well, taking drugs. I am forced to live by another country's ever changing rules. China has recently been discussing raising their orphanage 'donations' from $3,000 to $5,000. I get nothing to say about that and I'm not automatically locked in because I have dossier there. And then, the agency that I trusted in their commitment to "find forever families for children" has told me that, even though we are not anywhere near completion of this adoption, all the fees I've pre-paid them for the entire time (required by them) is non-refundable. And, I didn't know this.
Add insult to injury and my SW tells me that I should 1) pray for a speed-up in China -- check that off, do that every day or 2) apply for a Child of Promise (she doesn't understand that I can't continue to emotionally invest myself in the "hope" of approval and have those hopes and my heart destroyed when we aren't chosen. Most families apply over and and over and some are never chosen). She tells me it's a shame that my then social worker didn't tell me about my ability to go to another agency and Taiwan's relatively short wait time and that for only a small portion of what I've paid in, they could have just done my homestudy. (Could someone please explain to me what they HAVE done other than my homestudy and mail my dossier to China because I'm not sure and I haven't been told). She tells me she would have given me this option. Well, hallelujah, no one did -- so that will now cost me between $6,000 and $7,000. And, you can still just loose that and go with the Taiwan project. *sigh* Yes, that's really, really an option -- not.
The reality is that this month -- read this MONTH -- China will refer dossiers logged in November 15-21 or 22, 2005 That is ONE WEEK's worth of referrals. The past several months have not seen over 7 days worth of referrals at a time. One month included 2 days worth -- TWO DAYS!!!! At the rate of 7 days per month, we have 57 weeks to go through before they get to us. That is 57 MONTHS or almost FIVE YEARS!!!! So what is that about the probable speed up???
So I did what we women do best when our emotions become so pent up we feel like we are going to pop -- I cried -- again. I asked God "Why?" I told Him that I trusted that He knew what was best for our family and that I would "praise him in the storm", but I asked "Why?" -- over and over. I wanted to know why he would reveal this so short option to us -- only to have the door slammed on our fingers. I know there is a reason, but my heart is pounding with pain to loudly to hear His answer. It make take a while to hear the answer.

I have given myself this day to be sad and wallowing. Tomorrow, I will not allow it I will go back to the plan of waiting and searching for other ways around this hurdle. The rollercoaster ride of adoption will continue. I'm certain it will not be last tear I shed through this process. I just hope I am up for it. I suspect I will have the above verses memorized well by then.
ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE: Joshua's teacher called today and he got Ms. Stroup. She is a WONDERFUL Christian woman who goes to our church, and we are SO BLESSED by this. She knows how to deal with ADHD as we have talked about it before and I feel so confident about this year for Joshua. I told Kevin that God really knew I needed that blessing today in the midst of this sorrow.

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