Martha Stewart Christmas

Found this to be quite humorous and wanted to share so you could get a chuckle. If any of you actually do any of these, please just don't tell me and make me feel inadequate. :-)

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar:

December 1: Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2: Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3: Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5: Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6: Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7: Debug Windows XP
December 10: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11: Lay Faberge egg.
December 12: Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13: Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14: Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15: Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17: Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19: Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20: Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22: Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23: Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24: Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25: Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27: Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31: New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.