Back to School Eve

Twas the night before school started back and all through the our house
Not a creature was stirring ---
Except mom who was working, and there was definitely no mouse.
(Because with all the cats in this house, a mouse wouldn't dare come around).

The backpack (a #20 Tony Stewart) was thrown at the end of the couch
With a water bottle precariously perched in a pouch.
Little man was nestled all snug in his bed
And daddy was laying beside him -- snoring to wake the dead.
And I in my capris and t-shirt, laptop on lap
Had just settled down to do some work and maybe update my blog, perhaps

When through my mind raced a litany of thoughts
About other "first days" of school and tears I fought.
Away to the past, I flew like a flash
Back to memories of the years I had in the past.
I wandered through Kindergarten where I learned to let go
Where he learned to tie his shoes and not miss his mom so.
First grade he learned to read so much better,
And he learned how to correctly put letters together
And in second he changed schools and made new friends
But it was a year we were all glad to see end
Third grade's teacher was great and we learned to multiply
But relationships were hard and I heard my son's cry
To return him to the place where his friends go each day
And so for fourth grade, we return to public school to stay.

And I wonder what miracles of learning we'll see this year
I wonder if there will be laughter, if there will be tears.
I wonder if this will be the year he discovers "the girls"
If this will be a year that happiness is the reality in his world.
I wonder if he'll like his teacher and if he'll make new friends.
I wonder if he'll be sad to see this year end.

I wonder what, to my wondering eyes will appear,
A young man developing from my little man -- facing his fears.
I know in a twinkling of the eye, this year will be gone
And next year I'll sit here -- probably still alone --
Wondering what middle school will bring to our lives
And if his dad and I will ever survive.

So, as I exclaim, please everyone hear,
"Happy Back to School All, and to all a good year."

Love working in the nursery

Well, it's official -- I LOVE working in the nursery on Sunday nights!!! We had a large group tonight. Joshua insisted he wanted to stay and help. His big contribution tonight was "smelling out" the kids who needed a diaper change - LOL!!!

We had children from ages 6 months (or so) up to 4. They were all SO good and got along so well. Josh did such a good job with them. He put kids in swings, took them out of swings, pushed them in the swings, washed off dirty suckers, actually HELPED change a "poopy" diaper (I wish you could have SEEN the face!!!), played with the little boys, got the little boys OFF the tables, laid out napkins for snacks, swept the floor and helped the kids pick up the toys. He really was a good helper. I'm glad he likes them so well.

I'm torn now between the nursery and going back to AWANA in the fall. I LOVE my girls -- who will be in 6th grade this year -- so it will be hard to decide which to do!!!

Joelton Vikings - First Scrimmages

Joshua's team had their first scrimmages today. We went to Donelson and played Donelson and Smyrna. It HAD to have been the hottest day of the summer. Temps were right at 100*. I felt so SORRY for those boys out there in those pads and helmets having to run in that heat. I was mopping sweat constantly, and I wasn't even running. The first game would have been enough. They won that one 6-0. The boys only had a thirty-minute break before they had to be back on the field. They didn't get to do much more than eat some fruit and drink some water or Gatoraid before it was time to go back. The second team we played at 12:30 p.m. They had not played anyone else yet, so they were fresh. The boys still managed to hold them to one touchdown, with a final score of 0-6. Had the boys played them first, there was no doubt they would have won that game as well. They played SO WELL and didn't give up in that second game even when they were flat out exhausted. I was so proud of them. Here are a couple pix of Joshua from the day. He was #52 for today but should be #74 for the season. He and Scott Nidiffer had the same number for this game, but Scott had his name on the back of his jersey so it was easy to distinguish the two.

These are from the second scrimmage --

I am so impressed with how well Joshua does in football. I looked at his "play book" tonight and it was just all GREEK to me. And yet, these boys go out there and practice and listen and learn these plays and then go out on the field and execute them and do so well. Joshua is so strong, too, that it's a huge benefit to him in this sport. I'm just so proud of him!

I think we have a really, really excellent coaching staff this year as well. This could be the year!!! :-)

What a Hard Day

Adoption wise this was such a hard day. I prayed early this morning for the grace sufficient for the day. I knew it would be a busy day as I was taking Joshua, Braiden, Kirstin and Emily (who I call Lemilemily!) to the movies to see UNDERDOG. Cute little movie, BTW, but definitely not one of my faves. We had a really nice time at the movies. We stopped by "MeeMaw's" and "Daddy Doug's" afterwards. This is Braiden, Kirstin and Emily's grandparents. "MeeMaw" was my teacher in middle school, and is a great prayer warrior for others. She is such a faithful Christian. She inspires me to be persistent when things are not going well as she's had a lot of hardships in her life and continues on with such a positive attidude. It was so nice to get to visit with them while the kids played. We went back home after this and Braiden, Josh and Emily swam. Kirstin stayed at her grandparents' house. Here are pictures of Braiden and "Lemilemily" when they were swimming.




When I got home, there was a call from the loan company asking me to call back. When I did, she went straight into the loan, letting me know that they had approved us for a large portion of the needed adoption fees, but not all. She started talking about all the details and I had to stop her and say, "I can't talk to you about this today." I had to explain to her that our agency has said we can't go anywhere else to adopt right now and that I had to work on that before I could continue talking to her about whether we will need the money or not.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOD IS SAYING TO ME!!!! I'm so frustrated. I continue to pray -- fervently, "Please, God, reveal your will to us about these adoptions." One day I feel a surge of excitement that He wants us to go to Taiwan and China. The next day it seems to point to waiting only for China. The day after, Taiwan is off due to the agency. The following day we are aproved for a large portion of the fees.

The hardest part for me to reconcile is a thing that I'm sure ALL potential adoptive families struggle with -- "WHY?" Why can't we have children when people who don't care about kids have them all the time -- people who abuse them, neglect them, hurt them, don't take them to church, don't teach them values. We are saying to God, "We'll take whatever you send our way. We didn't plan for two more and get a little scared thinking about it, but if that's what You want, we'll do it." We will love these children and take them to church, commit their lives to learning about God. We'll make sure they are happy, to the best of our abilities. We will give them a home. And yet, here we sit, some three YEARS after starting this process and we don't feel any closer to an end. It's hard to fathom.

And, while I firmly hold onto the fact that God is in full control of this, I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I want to know WHAT to do -- what HE wants us to do , but I don't know. The emotion of this is getting to both Kevin and I. We feel like we are just burdened with this right now. We both feel so committed to China. We WANT to go there; we WANT to adopt from there. We have invested a year in learning about this country, networking with other families who have adopted from China and who are waiting just like us.

On a note that's not all about ME!!! I met a girl in Walmart on Thursday. I think, if I remember correctly, her name was Nakeama (???) -- probably wrong, but God knows who she is. She was going through a really hard time. She was applying for a job at the hospital in Springfield -- in additional to her Walmart job. She was going through a custody battle for her child; she had bills that were apparently a little past due. She said she was taking care of her father. I told her I would specifically pray for her. I looked at her badge then so I could try to commit her name to memory. Sorry I couldn't!! If you could, ask God to help her out. I know she could use it.

My mom is still passing small parts of her kidney stone. Prayers continue to work as it continues to -- hopefully -- break apart and pass.

BACK TO SCHOOL -- only three more days. Where did the summer go?

We have our first two scrimmages in football tomorrow in Donelson. Can't wait to see how the boys do. I hope we have an EXCELENT YEAR!!! Go Vikings!!

On Again -- But Off Again

A few days ago, I told you that I had talked with our S/W at our adoption agency who had given us the go-ahead to go to Taiwan to adopt. We were in the process of seeing if we could get a loan to fund a second adoption. Ironically, I said to someone, when giving them an update, "Well, they'll probably call back in a couple of days and say they changed their minds."

AND, that they did. I came home to find a message on the answering machine from our S/W. It as just after 5:00 when I got it, but I took the chance that she might still be in. And she was. She apologized and said that the agency had a policy on "double-tracking" and that we would not be allowed to pursue an adoption from Taiwan. She said the main office indicated to her that it was against CCAA (China Center for Adoption Affairs) (see website at www.china-ccaa.org) policy to allow double-tracking and that agencies who were caught allowing it would have that dossier pulled and they would be suspended.

Well, let me humbly say that this is just not what I have found to be true. I have read EXTENSIVELY online about CCAA policy, other agencies' policies, the US Governments' interpretation of CCAA's policies, other adoptive families' experiences and about concurrent adoptions in general. I have spent more hours than I care to admit researching and reading forums and laws with regard to this subject. I cannot find ANYWHERE that it says this. I told our S/W this. She sounded surprised. I gave her the links to the websites and told her to read for herself. I told her that unless I were able to see this policy (provided from the main office) on CCAA letterhead I could not believe it was true. There is a policy that states the youngest child in your home must be 12 months old. That is it.

We discussed the fact that we do not have a signed contract with the agency. Somewhere along the lines of our multiple processes, this got left out. We have never received receipts stating what we have paid for. This new "policy" came out (or, at least it was distributed) SEVEN months after we had submitted our dossier to the agency. We were not notified about this rule when we paid our fees so we were not given the opportunity to make our decision about going with this agency based on refund policy or concurrent adoption policies. I think there is a problem with all of this. I used the example with her that if I had paid a company to buy windows in my home, but did not get any type of contract stipulating what I could or couldn't do, and then decided since it was taking so long to get the windows that I'd go out and get doors and was told I couldn't until the windows came, I would tell them that I could do this because I didn't have a contract that said I couldn't. If they continued to say I couldn't, I would have a right to a full refund since I still didn't have any windows. Replace windows with the words "Child from China" and the word doors with "Child from Taiwan" and you'll see where I am. We also talked about the fact that I was very bothered that we felt led by God to do this, but our agency, a Christian-based agency, was standing in the way of our providing a family for another child because it "might" be too close to an adoption we have currently waiting in China. This month, again, they only referred one week of babies -- the week of Nov. 15-Nov. 21. November WAS a huge month for dossiers but still, I can't see a fast enough increase happening after November to get us a referral in 2008, or possibly in 2009.

So, now we wait -- again. I'm getting good at this waiting stuff. We wait to see if our S/W does read the information I shared with her and if she DOES ask the questions of the main office about whether this is possibly an incorrect interpretation. I don't expect them to change their minds in our favor -- but who knows what God's up to?? "His ways are not our ways."

Back to School Night

So tonight was back to school night at East Cheatham. It was comfortable to return to "my" school - the place where I went to elementary. It was not so comfortable to return as someone who left a couple of years ago, pulling my son out to go to private school. I questioned whether this is the right decision for Joshua, but he seemed really happy to see his former classmates, laughing, smiling and joking.

He has a great class of kids. There are 6 boys and 13 girls -- lucky boys, I guess. Joshua was the one who pointed this out to me. I really had not noticed. His teacher is really nice and kid-friendly. I hope they get along well this year. They will be changing classes for reading, math and science. We won't know that schedule until Tuesday. I'm sure this will help Joshua as he will not have the same teaching style all day and it will provide a break from the routine for him. He'll have different students to interact with as well, so that will be a bonus.

They will have to work hard in fourth grade. I'm nervous for him. I want him to do well. His supplements have been such a blessing to us. He is a different child than he was a year ago. He laughs, is pretty happy most of the time, plays well with other children, behaves and is much more respectful. LEST you think him perfect (haha), he is surely all little boy.

We had his friend, Scott over today (I should have made pictures!!). He spent Wednesday night (after Bryce) and then they spent the day just playing, riding bikes, playing Playstation, swimming and watching TV. They had football practice tonight. Josh had to leave early to go to back to school night.

Answers to Prayers -- and Still Waiting

Yesterday I made a call to our SW, Lisa, to see what our agency's position would be on adopting from Taiwan while we wait in the China program. Although I already knew the answer, based on the policy on double-tracking they sent out, I still wanted to ask.

IMAGINE my surprise when she said she didn't see any problem with that at all! She said she hated to see us lose the time and money we had already invested in the program and that since the wait was long enough and we were going with another agency, she didn't think there was a problem with that. She said the main office was anticipating referrals for our LID (Dec 2006) to come in Dec 2008. I told her I really disagreed with that and that she might be right, but that would mean that immediately, China would have to start referring entire months at a time. She indicated that things would speed up after the Olympics in China. I asked if those weren't in summer 2008 and she said they were. I can't imagine how if they aren't going to speed up until then that a Dec 2008 referral is at all possible. Oh well.... time and God will tell. She indicated that they would update our homestudy for Taiwan for us and told us the fee for that and the fees for post placement visits. She indicated that CCAA's policy was that the youngest child in the home had to be 12 months old at the time of your China adoption and we talked about the logistics of that. She was so positive and helpful it made me think that maybe I just dreamed everything on Friday ???? Regardless, I see God's Hands at work in this and know that this is step one in an answer to our prayers and our decision to follow Him wherever He leads us. Step 2 is the financing which, I know, is going to require a MUCH bigger leap of faith. We are awaiting a decision on a loan *sigh* but since we already have one, this one is questionable. I keep thinking back to the conversation at Matzatlan where Kevin and I agreed that we would do whatever it took to do what God wants. I hope He continues to make it very clear what His direction is. Continue to pray for that for us.

I have many moments where I stop and go, "WHOA!! Two??? Are you serious, God? Do you think I can handle this? Where will we put two? How will we afford diapers? Will we have enough time to give to everyone?" But He gently reminds me, each time, that His grace is sufficient and I am only required to get through this day that He has given me and not worry about tomorrow. Today, I have one "baby" and one husband that require my attention. I can do that today.

Here's one of my "happy" photos I took at work last week. It's a donkey made of metal. He's tall, I'd say maybe 8-10' tall, sitting on the side of a road here in Cheatham County. Cute!! Here's also a photo of some puppies that I saw at a house. Apparently they raise them because there were lots of them. I love puppy bellies!!

Joshua is having his friend Bryce over today. They have been friends since they were babies. Bryce is 11 months older than Josh. Lisa, his mom, and I were friends from the time we were young adults and up. BOY!! I hope they don't do as much crazy stuff as we did.

WOW

God has really been speaking to me today.

A little background on this story. Right as we were getting our dossier for China ready, we saw a "Child of Promise" (a child that has some kind of special need) that we were interested in. We decided against applying for her as it didn't feel right at the time.

We later found out that she was matched with a family that is on the Bethany Forum list. They named her Ellie. I have followed their story, corresponding with her mother through their LONG wait for the LOA (letter of acceptance???) which is almost the longest wait in history. Most folks have received their's in a little less than three months (58-80 days). They have now waited 133 days and still don't have it.

Today I read a post of hers and went, "WOW! God is talking to me with this one." I'd like to share what she wrote . . .

Yesterday, as I was walking, the Holy Spirit brought scripture to my mind, scripture that brought me comfort.

I remembered words that Jesus spoke to Peter, before Peter denied Christ. He said, "Satan has desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not."

I pray that you can take comfort from these words, too, that somehow knowing that Jesus Himself has prayed for you, you will find the peace from the Prince of Peace, even in the midst of your mourning.

In light of the fact that I have felt our adoption process is being attacked by Satan right now, this was so perfect. I know God led me directly to this post as it was written July 10 and I had not read it until tonight.

Thank you, God, for leading me and reminding me and comforting me during this time.

Update on my mom

Mom is still in quite a bit of pain from her kidney stone. She thinks it has moved down some and that her body is trying to pass it. Due to it's size, I am concerned. She is scheduled for a full body MRI Tuesday but said she will have to cancel it as she cannot sit or lie still with this pain.

Continue to pray that she will either pass or dissolve this stone and that when she does have the MRI it will show that whatever mass or cyst is in her kidney will be gone.

I still believe in miracles. I know God is still in the miracle business. Here's a website for you to visit. God allowed me to be a part of praying for this miracle. Read through it and you will believe in them too.

http://www.babyjellybeans.com/web/do/site/photo?ID=234922&parent_id=211994

Adoption Update and some decisions

Kevin and I have friends, Anita and Mark, who we met through Families with Children from China - Nashville. They adopted their BEAUTIFUL daughter, Kaylin from China recently. They moved to Florida just a while ago but we still correspond on our adoption forum and by email.

She and I were "talking" by email about our current situation with our agency. She gave me the most wonderful advice and I know that God used her to say this to us. At the end of her email, she wrote:

I’ll be praying that you CLEARLY hear God’s voice on this. Let me share something else that may not make sense right now…..TRY VERY HARD to leave the money out of it. I say that because if God has another country in mind for you guys for whatever reason, holding on to that money may prevent you from hearing Him…..NOT that you don’t have the RIGHT to get it back, but allow Him to direct you despite what you think you may lose. In the end, you may gain more than you realized that only He could have done if you let it go.

So, today at lunch, I asked Kevin, "If there were no obstacles at all to our adoption and you could choose, what would you choose?" After some thought, he replied, "I would go to Taiwan because of the quicker time frames." I asked, "Would you still go to China?" to which he replied, "Yes, I think I would."

From that point, it was so easy for us to make a plan for how to overcome these problems. We feel like the devil is attacking us in this process to try to keep us from adopting. He knows that we are going to raise our children in church and in a Christian home. He knows our ultimate goals for them will be that they accept Jesus Christ as their Savior and he knows that they will be one or two more in God's army against him.

We have a plan. We will allow God to direct it and show us the path more clearly by the choices He makes during our process. We are willing to stand up against decisions by our agency that we feel are wrong. We realize they hold some control over our adoption future because they have our money, our homestudy and could toss us out of the program, but they cannot have it both ways. They cannot dictate to us that we cannot get a refund and cannot go to another country. If we were to get pregnant, as long as the child was a year old when we adopted from China, there would be no problem. They should not, as a Christian adoption agency, be allowed to discriminate about our choices of how and from where we choose to add to our family when we feel we are being led by God to do so. And, this concurrent adoption policy was not in effect when we signed on to the China program. It is not a CCAA policy -- it is an agency policy. I have printed lots of cases from the internet of multiple agencies who are allowing this concurrent adoption to take place. We do not have a contract that I can find. I will call tomorrow to try to get a copy of anything we might have signed that I didn't copy. We are prepared to fight for our child/children who we do not know yet. We know she/they are out there and need a home and we are willing to be used by God to provide them one.

"Greater is he that is in me than is in the world."

"Ellie" at church today

Today was a good day. I needed a good day. Church always makes me feel better, no matter what is going on, when I leave I am always glad I went.

Today, we were asked to teach the Pre-K 4 year old class. Now, "teach" is a relative term here. We hope we taught them something and made sure that before they left they could tell their parents they learned about "the son that came back home" (ie., the Prodigal Son). They were a great group of kids. One girl told me about the time when she was "little" (smile) when she was underground fighting with a dragon that had fire coming out of his eyes and how her daddy had to get a backhoe to dig her up and save her. WOW!!! And she's four.

Joshua helped us in class today, and he was such a good helper. He took care of snacks, passing out the sheets, playing with the kids, pushing kids on the swings. He has gotten to be such a little man! I'm so proud of him. When we got in the car he said he didn't really like playing dollhouse with the little girls. Kevin told him that's what his sister would want him to do and he said, "Well, she'll be my SISTER. I didn't even know this little girl." He's got such a good attitude, right now, about Ellie.

The best story was about a little girl who was new to class today. I think she might have come with her grandparents. She was very outgoing and wanted to play with everyone. I liked her. The first little girl I mentioned above was playing with some dolls. I asked her, "What's your doll's name?" She replied, "I don't know." And then the visitor said to me, "Her name is Ellie." I just stopped and stared at her. I said, "What did you say her name was?" She said it again, "Her name is Ellie."

So.... imagine my surprise. Of all the names she could have picked, she picked Ellie. A "God thing" -- most definitely. Another reminder from Him that we are doing what we are supposed to -- most definitely.

And shortly after that I said something to this same little girl -- off-handed, really -- about how Jesus loved her (she had done something nice I think) and she looked at me, really confused and said, "He loves ME?" My heart melted. I think, maybe, no one had ever told her that before. We take so many things for granted. I made sure she KNEW that Jesus loved her and thought she was beautiful and sweet.

Thank you, Lord, for letting me share that with this little girl.

Email from God

I told Kevin today that I sure wish I could "hear" God's message that He was trying to tell us. I said "I'd like Him to send me an email."

Shortly after my last post, I received this email entitled, God's message. I have seen it before. Never, NEVER, has it been more appropriate. Here's MY email from God.

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU

Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year.For the remaining months of this year (2007), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows, and pains because HE thatsits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships andgiven you JOY. He will never let you down. I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the personreading this message"... God smiled and answered.. Request granted.

Hitting the Wall

Psalm 59:16 But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 86:7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

James 5:13 [ The Prayer of Faith ] Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise.

Lyrics from Casting Crowns

Praise you In the Storm

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God

who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands for You are who You are

no matter where I am and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

This song came to me like a direct song from God today in the midst of my instense hurt and pain over our adoption failures.

It started simply enough with a photo. I took Joshua into daycamp and the director told me she had something for me. It turned out to be a photo of Joshua when he was two at an Easter Egg hunt at school. I took it to the car, looked at it and burst into tears.

It just all hit me full force about the emptiness I feel for not having Ellie here with us and not knowing when she will come. I wondered why God allows so many women to have children who don't even want them, who won't take care of them, who won't love them. I wondered why I was feeling like I was being punished through this long wait. What have I done wrong? I thought of all the families who have had babies and adopted since we began our journey in August 2004. The dream of Ellie is three years old now -- and she's still not here. Is this God's way of telling us we don't need to adopt? Is this His way of saying we don't need another child? How could He put that dream so deeply in our hearts and then make us wait so long -- to feel like when we get in lines they always stop moving.

And then I got the email from our agency, whom we were waiting to hear from. We had asked them how much of our fees would be refunded if we moved to another agency. They know the reason is that we could bring Ellie home in as little as a year if we change programs. They also know we have spent thousands of dollars with them. There were a couple of other questions for them as well and we were told we'd have answers today. And the answer was that we would get back very, very little of the fees we have paid. We have paid on our fees while we were in the domestic program and we will get most of that back but little, if none, of the fees we have paid for China (which was the large amount). How can this be? Knowing that there is no way we can afford to loose that much money, I knew, immediately, that we could not pursue the Taiwan option -- without a miracle. We are not rich people. We are normal, everyday Americans who struggle like everyone else. The irony of this is that, if I were pregnant, health insurance would pay for it. I just feel punished by the whole system because I simply want to adopt a child. I feel forced to pay out thousands of dollars, lose years of my life, constantly wonder when and if she's coming, read and study about attachment issues and worry if she's in a crib hungry or wet, wonder if her birthmother is taking care of herself, eating well, taking drugs. I am forced to live by another country's ever changing rules. China has recently been discussing raising their orphanage 'donations' from $3,000 to $5,000. I get nothing to say about that and I'm not automatically locked in because I have dossier there. And then, the agency that I trusted in their commitment to "find forever families for children" has told me that, even though we are not anywhere near completion of this adoption, all the fees I've pre-paid them for the entire time (required by them) is non-refundable. And, I didn't know this.

Add insult to injury and my SW tells me that I should 1) pray for a speed-up in China -- check that off, do that every day or 2) apply for a Child of Promise (she doesn't understand that I can't continue to emotionally invest myself in the "hope" of approval and have those hopes and my heart destroyed when we aren't chosen. Most families apply over and and over and some are never chosen). She tells me it's a shame that my then social worker didn't tell me about my ability to go to another agency and Taiwan's relatively short wait time and that for only a small portion of what I've paid in, they could have just done my homestudy. (Could someone please explain to me what they HAVE done other than my homestudy and mail my dossier to China because I'm not sure and I haven't been told). She tells me she would have given me this option. Well, hallelujah, no one did -- so that will now cost me between $6,000 and $7,000. And, you can still just loose that and go with the Taiwan project. *sigh* Yes, that's really, really an option -- not.

The reality is that this month -- read this MONTH -- China will refer dossiers logged in November 15-21 or 22, 2005 That is ONE WEEK's worth of referrals. The past several months have not seen over 7 days worth of referrals at a time. One month included 2 days worth -- TWO DAYS!!!! At the rate of 7 days per month, we have 57 weeks to go through before they get to us. That is 57 MONTHS or almost FIVE YEARS!!!! So what is that about the probable speed up???

So I did what we women do best when our emotions become so pent up we feel like we are going to pop -- I cried -- again. I asked God "Why?" I told Him that I trusted that He knew what was best for our family and that I would "praise him in the storm", but I asked "Why?" -- over and over. I wanted to know why he would reveal this so short option to us -- only to have the door slammed on our fingers. I know there is a reason, but my heart is pounding with pain to loudly to hear His answer. It make take a while to hear the answer.

I have given myself this day to be sad and wallowing. Tomorrow, I will not allow it I will go back to the plan of waiting and searching for other ways around this hurdle. The rollercoaster ride of adoption will continue. I'm certain it will not be last tear I shed through this process. I just hope I am up for it. I suspect I will have the above verses memorized well by then.

ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE: Joshua's teacher called today and he got Ms. Stroup. She is a WONDERFUL Christian woman who goes to our church, and we are SO BLESSED by this. She knows how to deal with ADHD as we have talked about it before and I feel so confident about this year for Joshua. I told Kevin that God really knew I needed that blessing today in the midst of this sorrow.

Joshua -- Giving up TV????

Yesterday on the way to day camp, I said to Joshua that we had found a program where we might could bring Ellie home in a year instead of 3. He said, "I vote for that one!". I said, well, it will require some sacrifices on our part. Now, mind you, what I meant was that I would have to go out of town to do some project work to pay some things off more quickly than we had planned. Our "great plan" (Man plans; God laughs) is for me to stay at home with Ellie and do QA work from home -- like I'm doing now, only cutting WAYYYYY back and cutting out field work altogether. Ok, so, it's more like MY plan, but I'm letting everyone else buy into it with me ....

Oh, look, I got off topic.

So, in response to my having said we'd have to make sacrifices, he blurps out, "I'll give up TV for the whole year if that will help." Bless his heart!!!

He has just recently been learning about what things cost to run a house. We have started explaining how much a mortage is, how much cars costs, how much electricity is. He asked the other day if we had to pay for TV and we explained that we did. So, I guess he associated that with a way to make a sacrifice. Now, for those who know Joshua well, you will know that he LOVES himself some television watching time. Drake and Josh, Suite Life of Zach and Cody, Full House, Cory in the House -- basically Nickelodeon and Disney Channel shows -- he loves them all!! So this was a huge offering on his part. He truly does have a good heart.

I wanted to record this so when Ellie comes home, and he gets tired of her -- as he inevitably will -- I can show him how he volunteered to give up television for a year to get her home more quickly.

And, another story about Joshua's thoughts about Ellie. Today we were driving home from daycamp (we have the BEST conversations in the car) and he was talking about some boy at daycamp who was bragging about being rich. I asked him what made him "rich." He said, "Well, he has an in-ground pool, a big house, 3 dirt bikes and 4 - four wheelers." To which I replied, "His parents might be rich, but he is not. And... did you know we are rich too?" His eyes got big and he said, "How?" I told him we were rich because we had a house to live in, food to eat (we are never hungry), we are all healthy, we have a family that loves each other, we are all saved and will spend eternity together with Jesus in heaven AND we were going to get him a sister. He sat there a minute and said, "Well (kid's name) doesn't have a sister so I think I'm luckier." Then he said, "You know why I'm luckier?" I said "No, why?" and he said, "Because I'll get to boss her around because I'm her ELDERLY (no typo there, folks!!)". I stifled a laugh and said, "Well, if you want her to treat you like a king, you'll have to treat her like a princess." He said, "A PRINCESS???? Hmmpfff" and hopped out of the car and went into the house.

I can only begin to imagine the ride we are in for! *big smile* And I can't wait.

Centri-Kid Camp

Josh and Kevin went to Centri-kid camp in Spartanburg, SC this year at Converse college. I missed them SO much while they were gone -- but I did get the bathroom painted -- yay!!! Here are some of the MANY pictures Kevin took while there of the kids (and adults) from church. They are in the wrong order. After I was done, I didn't feel like re-ordering them. ENJOY! (Tip: Click on the small picture here and you'll see a large one on a pop-up -- it's easier to see them that way!)

Welcome home my guys!!

Warrior women!

Organized Mass Chaos - YUCK!!!

Studying God's word - Quiet Time

The Final Group

Last Minute Check-off List

All Aboard!

This really looks like TROUBLE!

Raring, ready to go

Kevin and Josh -- unpacked and armed with coffee!

Friends!

Have pillow -- will travel.

Random Photos

I had a few photos on my memory card that I thought I would share.

This is Joshua's cat -- Little Kitty. The irony is that he weighs 17 pounds and wants to eat all the time. There is NOTHING Little about Little Kitty. We found him screaming in a tree while we were out walking one day. His original name was Zaccheus -- shortened to Zach -- but he was so small we took to calling him Little Kitty. He sleeps with Joshua every night. When Joshua was gone for a week to Centri-Kid Camp, he cried every night at his door. He's a cratchity old cat, but he loves his boy.

This is Kevin and Joshua on Father's Day. Am I lucky to have them or what??? They are both the joys of my life!

Prayers for my mom

My mom went to the doctor yesterday and found that she has a stone the size of a raisin in her ureter OUCH!!! There is also some sort of cyst in her kidney. The doctor is gonig to do an MRI on the cyst to figure out what it is.

Please remember her in your prayers. She's been through so much the past year. Pray for healing, freedom from pain and a good report from her MRI. Praying that the kidney stone and cyst disapper -- well, that's great too!!!

Freaky

So this morning my alarm clock goes off and it's on "The Big 98" and the first words I hear are Gerry House saying, "And it says TAIWAN on it." The guys laugh and a song starts. I have NO CLUE what they were talking about but WOW!!! It was like, "Here's your sign."

Freaky, huh?

Can you "really" change horses in mid-stream?

So here we are, seven months tomorrow into what appears to be a three-year wait for Ellie to come home from China . . .

. . . long pause as I think (ya'll go to the restroom and get a snack -- this could take a while!) . . .

. . . and NOW we are changing horses in mid-stream -- for the third time.

We spent a year and a half in a domestic program before we decided the wait was too long and God moved our hearts to international adoption.

We spent 11 months both waiting and preparing a dossier for China, before we decided the wait is just too long, the timeframes are so uncertain right now and God has moved our hearts to Taiwan.

I'm going to be really honest -- I don't care where my baby girl comes from -- I just want her to come HOME.

It all started with an invitation in the mail that simply stated -- REED IS ALMOST HERE. Reed? Reed who??? Who were these women at church having a baby shower for and WHO WAS REED???? So, I asked Kevin to look over it and he casually says, "Oh, yeah, the Lands are adopting from Taiwan." What??? When did this happen? Why didn't someone tell me about this???? So I "google" Jeff and Abbey Land and find LandLife -- their blog. I read and read and read. Then I rush out to buy FROG (fully rely on God -- see, I remembered!!) presents for Flat Reed to use until "real Reed" gets here. I never considered changing at this point. There was no "seed" planted -- AHHHH... or was there. God took the little "seed" of envy I had that they were coming home so quickly with their baby when I was, AGAIN, still waiting -- and would likely be until Reed started middle school. :-)

So every day I read about the adventures of Flat Reed (see link to the side). And one day, I read the MOST interesting thing. The Lands' social worker was MY social worker -- at the same agency. AND, my agency doesn't do adoptions from Taiwan.

There went the lightbulb (I should really look for some clipart of a lightbulb to go here!). The cogs started turning and I looked over to Kevin and said, "Did you know the Lands were using our social worker?" followed shortly by, "They're coming home with their baby in a few weeks -- they've only been at this a short time. Do you think we should look into this?" I googled and searched and read and read for a couple of days before calling our social worker. Let me tell you, BTW, our SW is FANTASTIC and has more energy than the Energizer bunny! WHEW. Anyway, we talked logistics and she gave me the number for the agency who handles Taiwan adoptions and told me to let her know what I found out.

Today, Erin called. She tells me that WORST CASE scenario, we could be home with Ellie, from Taiwan in 18 months. More likely case - 12 MONTHS!!! Can you imagine??? I still can't fathom this. I was "dug in" for a three year wait and it could be this time next year????? Still reeling from that.

We still have some logistical hurdles to overcome -- like the fact that we have fully paid our agency fee to another agency and we can't loose that amount. We are awaiting a response from the agency as to how much we would get back. That will pretty much determine if we can do this. We'll figure a way -- God willing.

SO... I'm a little excited tonight. Of course, I don't want to get my hopes too high, but I'm more optimistic about the timeframe now. I have learned so much about all of this in the past two days that I would have to type a novel to update, but I'll spare everyone. :-)

Looking forward to updating SOON that we are on the waiting list in Taiwan (which, by the way, usually means a referral in 4-6 months and travel 4-6 months later)! My mind is REELING with the things I'd have to get done . . . gotta' run -- there's a room to paint or something.

Pictures at MeeMee's

(reminder, click on photos for larger view)

Saturday, we went to MeeMee and DeeDees and, of course, while we were there, she took some pictures. There was one of Joshua and I that turned out really nice. I like it a lot so I'm sharing it.

He is growing up so fast. BUT ... lest you think him too grown up, I've included some of the more pictures of him with my mom (Mee Mee) and dad (Dee Dee). I think in some of these you'll see he's still a kid at heart.

One of the reasons we went is for Joshua to get his DUKES OF HAZZARD T-shirt MM and DD had had made for him. Here is is with it and his DOH car -- which, by the way, will drive you CRAZY. One can only hear "YEEEE-HAWWWWW" so many times.

And, the other reason was to show DD Joshua's new backpack for school -- which was, of course, a Tony Stewart/Home Depot backpack. Found it at Big Lots on clearance for $8 -- can't beat that!!! I LOVE Big Lots. He really thinks he's "COOL" in this picture.

Today, we TOTALLY missed church. None of us got up until 10:00. I worked until 1:00 and then Josh swam and he and I had water gun fights. He won -- of course -- and I ended up looking like a drowned rat the rest of the day. Kevin vaccumed out the pool and weedeated the yard.

After helping me make a batch of his favorite Loaded Potato Soup, Josh went swimming again -- oh wait, no, he "got in the pool" again. I don't remember seeing any swimming going on. *smile*

It has pretty much been a slow day. I have begun to work on a photo book for Joshua's baseball coach at BLURB.COM. They have a really nice looking product (as opposed to some others I've seen) and their prices are reasonable. I can't wait to be done with it and get it ordered so I can mark that off my "to-do" list.

It's now after 2:00 a.m. I've gotten into a BAD habit of staying up late and wanting to sleep late. Got to break that SOON. School is back in in two weeks and I'll be up with the chickens.