When I got home, there was a call from the loan company asking me to call back. When I did, she went straight into the loan, letting me know that they had approved us for a large portion of the needed adoption fees, but not all. She started talking about all the details and I had to stop her and say, "I can't talk to you about this today." I had to explain to her that our agency has said we can't go anywhere else to adopt right now and that I had to work on that before I could continue talking to her about whether we will need the money or not.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOD IS SAYING TO ME!!!! I'm so frustrated. I continue to pray -- fervently, "Please, God, reveal your will to us about these adoptions." One day I feel a surge of excitement that He wants us to go to Taiwan and China. The next day it seems to point to waiting only for China. The day after, Taiwan is off due to the agency. The following day we are aproved for a large portion of the fees.
The hardest part for me to reconcile is a thing that I'm sure ALL potential adoptive families struggle with -- "WHY?" Why can't we have children when people who don't care about kids have them all the time -- people who abuse them, neglect them, hurt them, don't take them to church, don't teach them values. We are saying to God, "We'll take whatever you send our way. We didn't plan for two more and get a little scared thinking about it, but if that's what You want, we'll do it." We will love these children and take them to church, commit their lives to learning about God. We'll make sure they are happy, to the best of our abilities. We will give them a home. And yet, here we sit, some three YEARS after starting this process and we don't feel any closer to an end. It's hard to fathom.
And, while I firmly hold onto the fact that God is in full control of this, I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I want to know WHAT to do -- what HE wants us to do , but I don't know. The emotion of this is getting to both Kevin and I. We feel like we are just burdened with this right now. We both feel so committed to China. We WANT to go there; we WANT to adopt from there. We have invested a year in learning about this country, networking with other families who have adopted from China and who are waiting just like us.
On a note that's not all about ME!!! I met a girl in Walmart on Thursday. I think, if I remember correctly, her name was Nakeama (???) -- probably wrong, but God knows who she is. She was going through a really hard time. She was applying for a job at the hospital in Springfield -- in additional to her Walmart job. She was going through a custody battle for her child; she had bills that were apparently a little past due. She said she was taking care of her father. I told her I would specifically pray for her. I looked at her badge then so I could try to commit her name to memory. Sorry I couldn't!! If you could, ask God to help her out. I know she could use it.
My mom is still passing small parts of her kidney stone. Prayers continue to work as it continues to -- hopefully -- break apart and pass.
BACK TO SCHOOL -- only three more days. Where did the summer go?
We have our first two scrimmages in football tomorrow in Donelson. Can't wait to see how the boys do. I hope we have an EXCELENT YEAR!!! Go Vikings!!
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