Wednesday, October 17, 2007


It's the best word to describe today. I felt so bad last night I decided to sleep until I woke up to see if I felt better. I woke up at 8:00 (EST) and didn't feel a lot better. I got up and managed to get packed up and gone by 9:30. I wandered around in the desert (well, it FELT like one since I spent most of the day on dirt and gravel roads) for hours and couldn't seem to make any progress. Homes were too far apart, or just not there. I felt horrible. My chest feels like it's all congested.

I called Kevin and asked him to call the doctor to get a prescription called in to the Walgreens in the town I'll be working in tomorrow. He did, and they did, so I picked up a Z-pack of antibiotics tonight on my way to the hotel. I am now running a fever. I'm going to beg for healing tonight so I can work hard tomorrow. I won't even post how few I got done today. I think I probably LOST money being here today.

I had a break down mid-day because I just felt so bad and it was so hard to even breath, much less walk around the house. My head hurt and I was tired, couldn't breathe well, and I think I've got a fever. I just want to go home, but I've committed myself to this work and I've got no other time to get it done.

And then, if my physical state of mind wasn't bad enough, Kevin called to tell me that the home equity loan we are getting to help with the adoption costs is now going to require an appraisal. We have had TWO appraisals within the last year -- both paid for by our mortgage company, the same company who is doing the equity line. I was told two weeks ago that she was 99.9% sure that we would not need one. We just ripped up the floor in our garage room so we could build up the floor -- it's no where near ready for an appraiser to see. It's not MY fault they lost the appraisal we had done or that they can't find the original appraisal they pulled. Just getting the house ready for another appraisal is one more thing I just don't think I can handle. The yard sale is coming up in two weeks. I have all my regular work I haven't been doing that I have to do while I'm home. How much can one family do??

I just broke down, pulled over to the side of the road and sobbed. I just can't do anymore. I've hit my wall. My body is tired; my spirit is tired. I'm doubting whether we should even adopt, and if it will ever happen. This is a fact that I have never wavered on. I have felt called to do this for years now. But now, I don't know if all this difficulty is God trying to tell us something, or the devil trying to prevent this. I keeping saying, "It shouldn't be this HARD!!" I feel like we take two steps forward with God and then the devil pushes us five steps back. It's been three years now and nothing -- no closer, lots of money literally lost. My faith is weary. Myheart aches with physical pain from the emotional pain I have right now. I've begged and prayed to God for a miracle. I need something that I can say, "Only God could have pulled this off." I'm tired of the gut-wrenching, lay down on the floor pain that literally feels like my heart is being ripped out. I'm tired of tears. I have wrestled with the angel. I have asked, "Why?" so many times that I know God is tired of hearing it.

I tried to continue working, but I couldn't concentrate or stop crying and praying. My eyes were so red, I would have been embarrassed to knock on a door. I quit, called my friend Suzanne to check on her daughter who started school with Joshua today, and then burst into tears with her. She is going to add us to some prayer chains she belongs to. I'm glad because I need to be lifted up, to feel encouraged by others, to have God hear others petition for our family.

And, after all that, I realized I had left my phone charger in the last hotel I was in, which was too far to go back to. My phone died while I was on the phone with Suzanne, so I stopped at Wal-mart to get a car charger. While I was there, browsing the toys for Lego ideas for Josh, I hear the lady on the next aisle calling to her daughter, "Ellie, come here." How much more? What does it mean? God is definitely not accidental. I told my friend Susan, that at this point, I think if He came down and sat beside me and told me step by step what to do, I might just be too tired, discouraged and self-absorbed to even hear. How sad is that? How sad that I would admit that. I have to just let this all go--somehow.

Oh, enough whining. I have to get to bed so I can pick myself up by the bootstraps; get back to work and move past this. Grace sufficient for the day -- each day has worries enough for its own. Remember, remember, remember. God is in control. Let go, let God. I will love Him and praise His name no matter what the outcome.


Heather Field said...

Ditto. I have had days like that and unfortunately, with the way things are going, I would be surprised if I don't have more to come. Just remember, God doesn't always lay the easy path before us but He is right there with us when the hard road is the one we are chosed to walk. In my mind I too have wondered if the bumps in the road are God telling me something or the Devil getting his daily kicks. I have to believe that it is the latter of the two as I remember how clear it was to me when God set us on this adoption journey in the first place. I will keep you in my prayers and life you up to the one who provides for our every need. God is good, always, we just have to submit ourselves to His will and accept that His timing and our timing are a little (ok A LOT) different, but His plan is always the best, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Not sure if you are into christian music, but there is a song out there that is extreme therapy for my soul. I put it on, turn it up and it gives me strength. The song is by Hillsong and it is called "Still" If you have access to itunes, buy it! Best 99 cents you'll ever spend! Have a blessed day :o)

Leigh said...

I am so sorry you are feeling to defeated. I will lift you up in prayer.