Thursday, June 19, 2008

Odd Day ....

So many things happened today that I'm just not a liberty to post right now -- so many things "in the works" that may, or may not, come to pass. And while I can't share details, I can share some rambling thoughts. After all, it's my blog and it's where I come to sort through all those things running around in my head and try to sort them out, finger through them, move them around and try them in different locations to see if they "fit" better another way.

I'm confused. I don't know what God is telling me and I don't know why some things are happening the way they are. I'll say not a lot that God asks me to do anymore surprises me. There is little that will stop me in my tracks. Today I was stopped.

I called and asked my friend Iris today, "Where is He? What is He doing here?" I can't seem to get a bead on where He wants me. Of course, He is in my heart; I know He's here. Jesus told us when he left this earth [John 14:1 - Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.] that he left us both peace [John 14:27 - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.] and a Comforter (the Holy Spirit) [see John 14:15-21 below] and so my heart and mind know where He is, but He's being oddly silent right now. I am reminded - again - that He tells us His ways are not our ways. [Deuteronomy 32:4 -- He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He.] Of this I am certain.

The only thing that has come to me in my heart today was a verse that I had on a sticker in my car for years, "Be still ...... and know that I am God." [Psalm 46:10] And so, I've done the things that are in my control and I am waiting -- and wondering and asking, "What are You thinking?" I'm turning so many things around in my head and trying to find the path that I'm supposed to take -- but I just don't KNOW. My pastor prayed with me tonight and I shared this situation with some very close friends at church, my parents and my friend Iris. No one has given me the magic words or the right answer. I know no one can, but I need them. I fear making a decision about things that will change my life and the lives of so many forever. Even worse, I fear not having the faith to make a decision that might be right. Life is hard.

And so I read the Bible and I pray and I wait. I know what peace in a decision feels like now -- I will know it again when the time is right. Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on YOUR OWN understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. You've seen this verse here a lot lately. It continues to pop up frequently and it literally is carrying me through it all.

I told someone today that I think I understand how Mary must have felt when the Angel visited her and told her what all was going to happen -- and, no, I'm not pregnant -- and her absolute amazement, uncertainty, confusion and awe. I imagine she stood there with her mouth open saying, "Could you repeat what you just said to me? I'm not sure I understand you. You want me to do WHAT?" I'm sure she walked around in the daze that I've found myself in all day.

And so, again, I ask for prayers -- specific prayers that the next few days will reveal to Kevin and I the answers to the questions we are asking; that we are brave enough to make the right decisions in our lives and that God is glorified in those decisions because they are where He wants our family; prayers for undoubted answers and overwhelming peace. We surely would appreciate it.

And to think the day was so ordinary -- movies with Josh, my two nieces and my mother-in-law. McDonalds taken to the park. Swings and laughter and good conversation. Josh hitting buckets of balls at the golf course while I watched clouds roll by and pondered. But, yet, not the day I had expected at all.

I wonder if Mary thought that about the day that changed her future -- if she was washing clothes, carrying water, cooking, thinking about Joseph -- all the regular things of her day -- and then it turned into something she never could have imagined? Interesting.

Do your best, prepare for the worst --
then trust God to bring the victory.
Proverbs 21:31 (The Message)
"Mary, you have nothing to fear. God has a surprise for you.
You will become pregnant and give birth to a son and call his name Jesus."
Luke 1:30-31 (The Message)
Yes, I see it all now. I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve
Let it be with me just as you say.
Luke 1: 38 (The Message)
And Mary said,
"I'm bursting with God-news;
I'm dancing the song of my Savior God.
God took one good look at me and look what happened --
I'm the most fortunate woman on earth.
What God has done for me will never be forgotten,
the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others."
Luke 1: 46-49 (The Message)
"If you love me, you will obey what I command.
And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--
the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him,
because it neither sees him nor knows him.
But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
Before long, the world will not see me anymore,
but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.
On that day you will realize that I am in my Father,
and you are in me, and I am in you.
Whoever has my commands and obeys them,
he is the one who loves me. He who loves me
will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him
and show myself to him."
Luke 14:15-21


Betsy said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way, that God would give you the peace and guidance you need right now...

Jamie said...

Maria- You may still feel confused right now, but you are doing what you should be. Go to God in prayer, seek his will in the scriptures, and seek out the Godly council of close friends. He will answer, he will guide you, he will see you through, and he will give you peace. Lifting you up in prayer!

Jeanne said...

Maria, I don't know what choices you are facing, but I'll share with you something I learned long ago. When you are facing a yes/no decision, flip a coin. But before you look at the coin, ask yourself, what do I really want the outcome to be? Then your heart speaks to you.

Hubbards said...

Praying for you!!

Tina, KCMO

Lisa B and Family said...

Sending hugs and prayers with you in mind!

Allison said...

Of course, you are never far in my thoughts and prayers. But I'll be praying fervently for you and Kevin and Josh in the next few days.
Big hugs.

Kelli said...

Thinking of you...