Friday, June 6, 2008

Packing to Go Home

We are currently packing up to go home. And while there is peace about our decision, it seems really strange to be packing up souvenirs bought for a daughter that we no longer have. We know there is another daughter out there for us and that these souvenirs will also be of her heritage as well -- they will be used and enjoyed, but the reminders of excitement we had while purchasing them are somehow ... lost or different. There doesn't seem to be a word to describe how I feel -- like there is something missing.

I'll be fine for a while and then I just get an empty feeling in my stomach. I know it is normal to grieve but much like Joshua I want to just "forget about it" and "not talk about it" anymore. Sadly, I know that's not a healthy way to deal with it and that as one song says, "You must go through the valley to stand on the mountain." We expected to be sad today because we would be leaving our daughter for some two months. Now, we are sad because, as it turns out, she wasn't our daughter.

Today we are going over for our last "Metro" fix, a trip to the Beta (for yet a few more souvenirs for some people back home), and Josh wants to go by the HUGE soccer stadium and take a picture to show his friend Braiden.

We are all at a loss about what to do with both his and Kevin's blog. What do we do about all the pictures on our private blog? What do we do with the pictures we have of this little girl? What do we call her now that she's not Ellie? Hmmm... lots of questions to sort through and find peace with. I suppose, in time, we'll be able to make those decisions.

We were happy to find out that our agency told us they are sending her information off to specialists to determine exactly what issues she is dealing with and what treatment options she needs. We feel a peace about that and think that maybe our "mission" was to come, love and help get her the medical intervention she needs. We remind ourselves that we wanted to help missionaries while we were here -- never knowing that we might just be on a mission of our own. How like God to surprise us. :-)

And speaking of surprises, I delivered a package for a family on our Krygyzstan yahoo list to some missionary friends here in Bishkek. She called today to check on us and it was so sweet to be able to share our story with someone here who shares our faith. She was so supportive and has offered, when I return, to block some time out to take me to the mountains. She says it's so nice to sit by the river in the mountains and just talk. I can't wait for that. The friends we have made along this journey have been absolutely amazing.

This might be our last post before going home -- I'm unsure. I find that writing is healing and I know that there are others who might, somehow, benefit from our experience, so I feel a need to share what we can.

We are ready to go home.


Betsy said...

Maria, I am praying for you guys continually as you prepare to come home. I hope you have a safe trip back.
I am indeed learning from your experience - you have been on a mission to help that little girl and to be an example to the rest of us on how to best handle a situation like this. Your actions and your experience are a fine example of God's faithfulness.

imtina said...

I've been reading you as you're over in beautiful Bishkek to read your devestating news. I'm SO sorry. I can imagine the high highs and this incredible low and how shattering it must be for all of you.

I know on your arrival home, you will be surrounded with support and love.

In the chaos, it is good that you were able to know your own heart, and know what you can and cannot do. That strength and clarity will help guide you through what's ahead.

I'll keep you all in my thoughts.


Kelli said...

I will be keeping you all in my prayers as you make the journey home. I have to agree with you- you have been on a mission. You gave a little girl the experience of love and of a family. I hope she experiences those things again and I am sure, with your help and your agency's help, she will. It is amazing to see God's hand in all of this. Thank you for showing me that.