Friday, August 17, 2007

Dizzying Rollercoaster we call "Life"

I don't like rollercoasters. I never have. I also don't like those rides that you spin around in. Both of these have always given me a headache. I remember when Opryland used to be in Nashville and they had the Wabash Cannonball rollercoaster. Everyone thought it was SO cool, and it was -- way back in "the day". But I hated it -- my head got jerked around and when I got off I was both dizzy and my head hurt.

Life feels a lot like that these days.

Some days I want to yell, "Stop the ride; I want to get off!"

I want a kiddie ride. I'd like a day (or month or year) on the swings where you soar through the air, wind blowing in your air, floating, taking it easy.

I felt the longing -- the absolute ache -- in my heart again yesterday for Ellie. It hits at the most unexpected times. I had gone into the Once Upon a Child store in Clarksville to see if there were any summer clearances. I heard a woman say to the lady working in the store, "I'm leaving next week to go get my baby." I stopped -- cold. I walked over to her (because I'm a little nosy sometimes) and said, "I'm sorry I just overheard you say you were going to get your baby next week. Are you adopting?" She told me yes, that she was leaving to go to Guatemala to get her daughter. I told her I was adopting from China. She innocently said, "So do you have a picture of your daughter yet?" I replied No, that it would likely be two more years. I got the "Poor you" look and she left and I bought a stuffed lion and left.

The rest of the day and today has been consumed with feelings of wanting to go to Taiwan. I looked at all the angles, figured the money, thought of all the ifs/and/buts/maybes. Kevin and I considered every scenario. I made calls to three agencies. One -- again -- did not return my call (for the second time). I will not use them even if we do go to Taiwan. Another, I left a message with and did not hear back and the third was closed. A message, I suppose. When I got home, I got responses from several folks I had queried on a Taiwan adoption yahoo group. Turns out, the wait for Taiwan is creeping quickly up to 18-24 months. If I'm going to wait that long, I'll just stay in the "China-lina" :-) I'll stay seated on my slow boat to China.

I can't begin to tell you how unbearably hard the wait is some days. I'll go trudging along for several months and then WHAM, I'm hit by this desire so strong that it feels like a physical manifestation of my heart's pain.

I talked with my mom about it today and she said she knew -- she had been there as well. They went through big agencies, through individuals, through it all before they got me. She said, "It had been almost eight years and I was ready to just give up. And then you came." I'm there -- I feel like every line we get in just stops. What is the lesson? Am I being told to drop the dream? To develop more patience? To let God continue to work in me until I'm ready for this challenge? I don't know. I continue to struggle. This struggle has been the longest one as I can't seem to get the peace I need. I get it one day and it is stolen from me the next day. It's like the horrible, non-ending rollercoaster. And it's making me sick to my stomach and making my head hurt. It shouldn't be so hard to give a child a home when there are SO MANY who need a home. My mom did also remind me that at least I had one child already. I know I am SO blessed to have Joshua, and my desire for Ellie in no way reflects on my unappreciation for the blessing of him. I just feel like we are all getting older -- so fast -- and we just want to all be able to enjoy our Ellie.

I continue to pour my heart's desire out to God. I know He is the only one who could possibly speed up the China process at this point. I am reminded that if I

"Delight yourself in the ways of the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalms 37:4 (NIV)
Young's literal translation says this:
And delight thyself on Jehovah, And He giveth to thee the petitions of thy heart.
I like the words "Petitions of thy heart". That's exactly what I feel my heart is doing - continually petitioning God.
I know, in my heart, that He has promised me this child. I just don't know when. :-)

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