"Celebrate Me Home"

This year's "going home" song on American Idol is "Celebrate Me Home" -- a version by Ruben Studdard.

Tonight as Kristy Lee Cook watched her time on AI and they played the song, I thought about how appropriate it would be for a photo/video song for Ellie as she comes home and then I began to tear up remembering that when I first found my birth family, I made them a CD of songs that were about me and my adoption. One of the ones on there was Celebrate Me Home by Kenny Loggins. It's a song about coming home at Christmas -- my birthday. It has just made me all emotional. This is not surprising because if you look at me the wrong way lately, I cry. My emotions are just all in turmoil -- the waiting and knowing how close we are is hard.

I got teared up today thinking of when I had Joshua and how special a time that was to me and knowing that a woman is going through the same thing and is going to make a decision to give her daughter up for adoption. It just breaks my heart to know she has to hurt so badly for our family to be so happy. This referral needs to come soon or I'm going to dehydrate from tears.

My Ellie has been born. My heart knows this. I know because of the constant ache I feel at knowing she is in a hospital on the other side of the world -- without me. I know because of the constant need I have to pray for her -- for God to keep her safe until I can come. I know because I am torn into about knowing I have to leave her there after the first trip. I don't know if I can do it and I know I have to. How will I? Darn it, the tears again. No one warned me I'd cry so much. I'd claim hormones if I were pregnant. What do I get to claim if I'm not?