Sunday, March 15, 2009

Controversial Thoughts

I should probably post a disclaimer: warning, controversial adoption thoughts; enter at your own risk. Oh, I know there are so many people on so many sides of the fence with adoption and I respect most viewpoints on adoption, but please if you feel the need to leave a negative comment on this post -- for whatever reason -- don't. These are my thoughts and not subject to criticism for whatever reason. Onward ...

As I sat last night, with the nightlight on in Ellie's room, rocking her to sleep, feeling the softness of her face against my chest and smelling the sweet smell of freshly washed hair (you know that sweet baby smell -- yum!!), my heart ached that I could not be the mom who carried her in my tummy, that I was not her biological mother. God tenderly reminded me that there is no way Kevin and I could have created this exact person that I am so in love with and who holds each person in our family's heart by her little finger. Those sweet Asian eyes that bore holes into my heart could not have come from the genetic pool that Kevin and I have. So many other things that are mysteries to us about her -- her personality, her features -- could not be created from us. And that makes my heart so very sad.

Don't get me wrong; I am so not grieving the fact that I couldn't have another biological child. That's not what this is about. I feel a loss that I missed out on all the things related to her pregnancy, birth and first months (although, to be really honest, I certainly did not miss the sleepless nights of a newborn) of her life.

And this led me, obviously, to think about her birth mom. We are coming up on E's first birthday, and I absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt in my heart that on the other side of the world, there is a woman who is remembering what she was doing a year ago each day leading up to E's birth. She probably doesn't have anyone to talk to about it, and I imagine, that regardless of the situation surrounding her relinquishment of E., she has heartbreak over it. How could you not? She also has to have curiosity about where her daughter is, how her life is, if she is ok, what she looks like. I so wish she could know how very much she is loved and what her life is like and that she is ok -- more than ok -- happy (I hope) and content, well-fed, healthy, safe.

I don't think of her birth mom a lot because honestly, as each day passes and we get a little farther away from the initial adoption process, I feel more and more like she has just always been with us and that she is without a doubt our child and it is easy to forget about her beginnings. Is it because I want to? No, I don't think so; I think I have just so fully embraced her as my daughter that I can't imagine anyone else with any claims to her. Does this mean I won't share all I know about her early years? Absolutely not. Someone recently asked me if we were going to tell her she is adopted. I sat there for a mere second before I said, "Um, I think she'll know." *smile* And then I went on to say that we would absolutely tell her, that we have all the "books", "photos" and stories to help her to know about how she came into our family. But, in my mind, really that's all it is -- how she came into our family. Will she experience a sense of loss? Yes, I'm certain she will, and while that hurts me for her, I know it's a process she'll have to go through on her own someday, with our support, of course, but it's a part of her journey through life.

So, I'm rambling now and have gone off on lots of tangents -- all of which I wanted to record and hold on to for the future -- for both me and E.


Mayme said...

All very well said Maria. I have so many of the same feelings and you verbalized them well. I do think of Emma's other mom a lot and wonder about her, especially when it was her birthday. I grieve for her and Emma as well.

Ellie is adorable and we are all so blessed with our babies.

Kimberly said...

Beautifully stated Maria! Brings a tear to my eye. I don't think this is controversial at all!