Thursday, August 21, 2008

Can A Photo Break Your Heart?

I got new photos today (as noted in the post entitled "50"). I've had trouble looking at them. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE that I have photos of her. I know that when she is older, they will be important to her. I know that 60 days or from now when I am back home with her and our family is together, those photos won't bother me as much as they do right now, but today, they do.

I can't share them here, but my daughter is lying in a crib -- looking up. Her clothes, while clean, are old, too big and don't match. And, what I believe bothers me most are her eyes. Not that anything is wrong, it's just haunting to me. She isn't smiling; she is ... existing, breathing, eating, sleeping -- existing.

I look at them and ache to reach through the screen to pick her up. I can physically feel her in my arms. I'm going to be honest -- this is really, really hard. I can talk, jokingly, to others about how she'll never be a contestant on What Not to Wear when she gets home. I can joke that she'll never be put down and be spoiled, but inside, my heart is hurting from the longing to get on a plane and go get her from there. I try to not think about the hours she lies there waiting for someone to look in on her, feed her, give her any attention at all, but I can't help it -- I do think about it, frequently. And while I'm trying to do all the things I can to pass the time and to make sure I'm the most ready I can be for her, all of it is just futile and worthless because in all honesty, everything in the world being ready DOES NOT MATTER -- she is ready. She needs her family; she needs to come home -- just like countless others who are waiting.

*****
Update: As I read back over this post, I was struck that this must be how God feels when He looks down on lost souls -- how their eyes must haunt Him, how they are just existing and how His heart aches to get them out of their lost condition. I imagine the great life we want to give Ellie -- if we could just get her home. God has great things planned for the lost as well -- a better life, an eternity with Him. The reality is that all the worldly things in the world don't matter if we don't get to come home in the end. WOW! Thank you, God, for the reminder.

6 comments:

Shannon said...

Maria-

I completely understand! When we received referral photos of E last January I cherished those as they were all we had during those long months waiting to travel. He was so precious. Even the photos we took the first few days of travel were amazing to me. It didn't take long, though (after we were home and his spirit started to shine through) for me to look at those photos and be filled with sadness. I saw (and still do when I look back at them) the emptiness in his eyes and his soul. It is so heartbreaking and sad. Keep reminding yourself that that spark will return once she is in your loving arms. Hang in there!

Pamela said...

Maria, THANK YOU for this post. At the end of the post, you were reminded of how God might look down on us here on earth. Well, I'll tell you what...the fact that He gave you those thoughts, and that you had the courage to post them, is amazing.

THANK YOU for being such an amazing woman. Go girl!

Pamela

Hilary Marquis said...

I LOVED the end of your post, thank you for the reminder :) I know how hard the waiting is for you. SOON Ellie will be in your arms and the horrible ache will go away. The light will return to those big beautiful eyes, and she will KNOW without a doubt that she is loved! Consider yourself *Bear Hugged*
Love,
Hilary

Betsy said...

Maria, I totally understand how you feel especially when I got the pictures of Caleb screaming the other day when his bottle fell out of his mouth. Why didn't someone put it back? Why weren't they holding him? It is hard when we can see our babies and know the care and love we have is so much more than they are receiving.

But you are so right about God's perspective and plan are in this situation! The care and the gifts He will provide dwarf what we as Eartly parents will provide.

You are in my prayers, and so is Ellie.

Mayme said...

I so understand what you are saying Maria. The thought never leaves my mind about how many hours Emma has been waiting. It seems like it is slowly eating away at me.

Jackie S said...

I just popped over and saw the additional words you posted. Extremely thought provoking! Thanks :)