Monday, August 4, 2008

T Minus 72 hours and hopeful

It's 9:27 a.m. Tuesday morning in Kyrgyzstan. In three days (or nights in this case), the Judge is supposed to hear Ellie's adoption case. By the time my agency opens on Friday, we should know something.

I will tell you I have debated for several days about writing this post about the severe funk I'm in right now about this adoption. I hesitated for several reasons:
  • There are families who visited their babies in Bishkek long before I did who have still not gone through court;
  • Some people think that Christians should not be "down" or "depressed" and I didn't want to "disappoint" them
  • It's hard to share the not-so-pretty parts of life

However, I realized the following counterpoints to those three reasons:

  • I have no control over the courts in Kyrgyzstan. While I have a large large amount of sympathy, actually empathy, for those families caught in the Bishkek court system, I can't change that and I know that they would feel like I do -- get any babies home as quickly as you can. I also know how they feel as we've been waiting two and a half months now and will defintely wait two more before we can pick her up.
  • Christians are real people with real problems. I like to tell folks that Christians aren't perfect, we are forgiven. I think God understands when we are sad/depressed or just down. I don't think he wants us to stay there, but life here is often very hard. As much as I try to focus on God's perfect timing and His sovereignty, I am a human, and sometimes things are just hard to deal with.
  • I've been challenged by other bloggers who encourage others to share the reality of life and not just the pretty parts.

So, along those lines, here's the reality. I am very sad, depressed, down, in a funk, angry . . . there are many words to describe how I feel, but it's hard to combine all the feelings I have right now into a concise description.

For THREE YEARS this month, we have been waiting for a child. We have actively pursued a domestic adoption, an adoption from China, attempted to get into a program in Taiwan and then started a process in Vietnam and now are so very close to finalization in Kyrgyzstan. This has not been an easy road, and we are so very close to the end of the road. We should be ECSTATIC, shouldn't we? And yet, I'm at the point where I'm just sad because so many things in the past few months have played out exactly the opposite of the way we were told or thought they would. Every time I have one expectation, it turns out to be the opposite. If I'm told the sky is blue, I can look up and it will be grey. While it's pretty close (blue and grey), it's not right (it's not blue). This has happened so frequently that I have a HUGE fear that court won't happen on Friday. We were told we'd return 6 weeks after court; now it's two months because passport processing is taking longer. We thought we would have gone to court a long time ago - then the judge went on vacation. We thought our case would be heard with the last four families; we weren't. I actually, at one point, thought I would be returning to pick up Ellie next week and that it would conflict with school starting. Now, I'm thinking it will conflict with fall break -- two months later. I thought I would get to travel with a friend and another mom who was going by herself -- nope, not that either.

I've tried to talk myself out of this funk. I've used all the logical reasons, but my head just can't convince my heart not to feel the way it feels. And, it's coming out of me in all the wrong ways. I'm short with Kevin and Josh -- I don't want to be, but I'm just irritated. It's not their fault and I'm trying to not do it. I just want to be alone to try to sort it out. But, I have responsibilities and life has to go on. Kevin and Joshua shouldn't have to pay the price for my funk, you know??

I've prayed about it. I've rationalized my need to be frustrated and sad and angry and that if I just give myself some time this will pass. I know it will. But again, I want it to pass -- NOW. I'm terrified beyond reason that court will not happen on Friday and I can't imagine how in the world I'll be able to handle that let down again. I see her beautiful face everywhere as we have photos throughout the house. I have a photo purse that I have her photos in. At back to school night tonight, everyone who has known us over the past few years asked about her and where we were with the adoption. We've played sports with so many families over the past three years that it seemed like 100 people asked about it. And while I was so happy to get to show them the photos of her, when they asked when she was going to be home, I felt like I should say, "I don't really have a clue." Instead, I told them I think we will be going back October 8 for pickup (two months after court).

I want my faith in the absolute perfection of God and His timing to take over my heart and my mind and I continue to pray and beg God for this peace. I just need my head and thoughts to be overcome with a confidence born only from the belief that God WILL take care of all of it. My head knows it; I just need my heart to get the memo. I am impatient and I know this. I have always struggled with that. I WANT to be overflowing with joy that I finally have the daughter our family has wanted and sought for so long.

So, that's reality, folks. That's the reality of adoption and of my life right now. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it can be anything but a beautiful process. When people say that adoption isn't for the faint of heart, it's true. People who have never experienced the process cannot begin to understand the roller coaster -- how one day you can be on top of the world and a phone call can drop you to the depths of pain. How it never truly leaves your mind -- no matter what you are doing, it's sitting in the background, like a TV running without sound. People cannot understand the heart wrenching pain of the process and the ultimate, top-of-the-mountain euphoria and how they can co-exist. It's like explaining to someone how their lives will change after they have children -- when they don't have them yet. You just can't describe it until you've been there.

And, so, with this post, I've cut off another 30 minutes of the countdown until Friday (Thursday night our time). Maybe this time.

11 comments:

Elizabeth and Bill said...

I am so glad you wrote this post. As you know, we talk all the time and I'm over here openly going nuts and being a wreck about court and you werre being so dang positive I thought it was just me! So, I'm not glad that you are hurt and upset, but I'm glad there are people who can relate. I'm terrified about court as well. I mean, what the heck will we do if it doesn't go through? How long will it be then? Ugh, I can't even think about it. This is a huge test in patience and being okay with not being in control and I think I'm gonna squeak by with a D, no honor roll for me! We'll get through this somehow. Hopefully our family members survive too.... =)

Allison said...

Big hugs to you!!! I will be saying my specific prayers for you and Elizabeth until I hear the good news that you both have daughters!

Marcy said...

Maria, I am right there with you. We've been hopping around, too, from China to Vietnam and now Kyrgyzstan. It's SO EASY to fall into a funk with international adoption, isn't it. Just when it looks like something is going right, BAM!..another bit of bad news. I have gotten to the point to where it's hard to be excited anymore because I just get disappointed. It's easier to expect bad news or no news rather than good news because good news is rare.

All I can offer is a big hug to you! I am praying for you and your family and praying that you hear good news very soon!

Hugs,
Marcy

imtina said...

Oh Maria!

Sending you another big hug. This may sound corny but, it seems to be true that it is sometimes darkest before dawn.

I don't think we, as humans, don't do well with trying to talk ourselves out of our feelings. It's just best to feel them, acknowledge them, and then they seem to go away faster than if you just have the stiff upper lip. You're doing the best you can, and this will get better.

The wait and powerlessness is extremely difficult, if not impossible to cope with. Distract yourself, clean, whatever it takes...SHOP!!!

Hope you hear something soon.

Tina

Kelli said...

I know about the adoption funk all too well. Praying for Friday.

Bridget said...

Maria,

I am wishing the best for you and your family. I can only imagine what you are going through. I admire your honesty.

Bridget

Mom to 2 Angels said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mom to 2 Angels said...

I will be praying right here with you! It's so ok to be angry and frustrated. You would be crazy if you didn't! I love the bows, byt he way. Who knew you had that hidden talent! You know my girl loves her some bows and I'm sure Ellie will, too :)

Jackie S said...

Sending big hugs your way. x

Monica said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can imagine the funk you're in at this point with all the bumps and hurdles in the road so far. I know you have faith but it is SO hard to remain confident. I do think what you need right now is good news that your little Ellie will be home soon and I think you're get that news very soon!
Best wishes!!!
:)

Tamara said...

Maria~ I pondered for a bit trying to figure out what I could say to you. But in the end, it really doesn't matter b/c sometimes it just takes something to click inside to be able to get out of the funk. Although I am in this journey as well, I can't imagine the pain you feel and your thoughts each day (I have really tried not to get my hopes up yet & at this point, it still doesn't feel real for me) So what I am saying is...it's ok. It's ok to be mad and angry. It's ok to be sad. You have an amazing family who WILL forgive you. I wish I had a crystal ball so that I could tell you when you will be going back but since I don't, I will say this... You WILL have Ellie in your arms & will have a lifetime to kiss, hug, hold, squeeze and watch her change from one day to the next. You will have hundreds of scrapbooking pages of her doing all the funny & cute things babies do and you'll think that she has been with you from day 1.

thinking of you,
Tamara