T Minus 72 hours and hopeful

It's 9:27 a.m. Tuesday morning in Kyrgyzstan. In three days (or nights in this case), the Judge is supposed to hear Ellie's adoption case. By the time my agency opens on Friday, we should know something.

I will tell you I have debated for several days about writing this post about the severe funk I'm in right now about this adoption. I hesitated for several reasons:

• There are families who visited their babies in Bishkek long before I did who have still not gone through court;
• Some people think that Christians should not be "down" or "depressed" and I didn't want to "disappoint" them
• It's hard to share the not-so-pretty parts of life

However, I realized the following counterpoints to those three reasons:

• I have no control over the courts in Kyrgyzstan. While I have a large large amount of sympathy, actually empathy, for those families caught in the Bishkek court system, I can't change that and I know that they would feel like I do -- get any babies home as quickly as you can. I also know how they feel as we've been waiting two and a half months now and will defintely wait two more before we can pick her up.
• Christians are real people with real problems. I like to tell folks that Christians aren't perfect, we are forgiven. I think God understands when we are sad/depressed or just down. I don't think he wants us to stay there, but life here is often very hard. As much as I try to focus on God's perfect timing and His sovereignty, I am a human, and sometimes things are just hard to deal with.
• I've been challenged by other bloggers who encourage others to share the reality of life and not just the pretty parts.

So, along those lines, here's the reality. I am very sad, depressed, down, in a funk, angry . . . there are many words to describe how I feel, but it's hard to combine all the feelings I have right now into a concise description.

For THREE YEARS this month, we have been waiting for a child. We have actively pursued a domestic adoption, an adoption from China, attempted to get into a program in Taiwan and then started a process in Vietnam and now are so very close to finalization in Kyrgyzstan. This has not been an easy road, and we are so very close to the end of the road. We should be ECSTATIC, shouldn't we? And yet, I'm at the point where I'm just sad because so many things in the past few months have played out exactly the opposite of the way we were told or thought they would. Every time I have one expectation, it turns out to be the opposite. If I'm told the sky is blue, I can look up and it will be grey. While it's pretty close (blue and grey), it's not right (it's not blue). This has happened so frequently that I have a HUGE fear that court won't happen on Friday. We were told we'd return 6 weeks after court; now it's two months because passport processing is taking longer. We thought we would have gone to court a long time ago - then the judge went on vacation. We thought our case would be heard with the last four families; we weren't. I actually, at one point, thought I would be returning to pick up Ellie next week and that it would conflict with school starting. Now, I'm thinking it will conflict with fall break -- two months later. I thought I would get to travel with a friend and another mom who was going by herself -- nope, not that either.

I've tried to talk myself out of this funk. I've used all the logical reasons, but my head just can't convince my heart not to feel the way it feels. And, it's coming out of me in all the wrong ways. I'm short with Kevin and Josh -- I don't want to be, but I'm just irritated. It's not their fault and I'm trying to not do it. I just want to be alone to try to sort it out. But, I have responsibilities and life has to go on. Kevin and Joshua shouldn't have to pay the price for my funk, you know??

I've prayed about it. I've rationalized my need to be frustrated and sad and angry and that if I just give myself some time this will pass. I know it will. But again, I want it to pass -- NOW. I'm terrified beyond reason that court will not happen on Friday and I can't imagine how in the world I'll be able to handle that let down again. I see her beautiful face everywhere as we have photos throughout the house. I have a photo purse that I have her photos in. At back to school night tonight, everyone who has known us over the past few years asked about her and where we were with the adoption. We've played sports with so many families over the past three years that it seemed like 100 people asked about it. And while I was so happy to get to show them the photos of her, when they asked when she was going to be home, I felt like I should say, "I don't really have a clue." Instead, I told them I think we will be going back October 8 for pickup (two months after court).

I want my faith in the absolute perfection of God and His timing to take over my heart and my mind and I continue to pray and beg God for this peace. I just need my head and thoughts to be overcome with a confidence born only from the belief that God WILL take care of all of it. My head knows it; I just need my heart to get the memo. I am impatient and I know this. I have always struggled with that. I WANT to be overflowing with joy that I finally have the daughter our family has wanted and sought for so long.

So, that's reality, folks. That's the reality of adoption and of my life right now. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it can be anything but a beautiful process. When people say that adoption isn't for the faint of heart, it's true. People who have never experienced the process cannot begin to understand the roller coaster -- how one day you can be on top of the world and a phone call can drop you to the depths of pain. How it never truly leaves your mind -- no matter what you are doing, it's sitting in the background, like a TV running without sound. People cannot understand the heart wrenching pain of the process and the ultimate, top-of-the-mountain euphoria and how they can co-exist. It's like explaining to someone how their lives will change after they have children -- when they don't have them yet. You just can't describe it until you've been there.

And, so, with this post, I've cut off another 30 minutes of the countdown until Friday (Thursday night our time). Maybe this time.